Has This Been Done Before?
by OlivaFinn
Summary: Due to a violent overthrow of the government by the ordinary people, the BAU and FBI are shut down. In an act of desperation the team opens a fast food restaurant called Code Burger. And yes, it's a parody...
1. The Exposition

**a/n:** Please read:

First of all, this is just the first chapter of an idea, **tell me if I should continue it.** This chapter isn't amazing because it is mostly exposition, but you will get the idea and a taste of my writing. Don't get me wrong, I love Criminal Minds and it's fan fiction spawn, but this idea kept popping into my mind. I have a horrible little voice in the back of my head telling me it's been done before but I couldn't seem to find anything. This was semi-inspired by Eligent's Kidnapped? Again?, and is, yes, A PARODY. It is just good fun. I tried to add all the aspects of Criminal Minds fics into one. That is why it is going to be insane.

---

"Welcome to Code Burger, Home of the…code burger. Can I take your order?" Said former Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid. Reid still could not comprehend that even after all his schoolwork, all his FBI training, the best job he could get was working the register at Code Burger.

"Uhhh, yeah. I'd like a double code burger, large fries with extra salt, and a large coke." The burley man placing the order was Code Burger regular, Larry. Reid thought his name was fitting.

"Is that all, Larry?"

"Mmm, actually would you double my whole order?"

Reid sighed. "You know, Larry, obesity is the second most preventable death in the world, second only to smoking? And by the looks of it, well, we've already gone over the food intake thing, but judging by your scratchy voice and breath you probably smoke too. So I say you have three, maybe four months to live." The satisfied former agent watched the confused Larry regain his composer.

Larry had dealt with Reid's annoying facts for a few months now and he had had enough. "You know what, Dr. Spencer 'I used to be in the FBI' Reid? Cancel my order anyway. I'm going to McDonalds."

An aggravated Larry stormed out of Code Burger and headed across the street to the nearest home of the Big Mac. "Oh I'm gonna get that scrawny little agent if it kills me." Which it just might, cause he only had three of four months left.

Back at Code Burger…

"REID! Are you scaring away our customers again?" Aaron Hotchner, the restaurants manager, stomped out of his cramped office after hearing a large bang. When Reid was at the register, the banging of a door was a familiar sound.

"I simply said he should cut down on the carbs."

"We've been over this Reid…"

"I was just looking out for Lar-, I mean, him." The doctor/agent was suddenly very interested in his register.

"Not Larry." Hotch folded his hands on top of his head and rolled his eyes expressively. As the manager turned around and walked to his office Reid could hear him mutter "Geniuses…" while shaking his head.

"Oooooo, Reid's in trouble." An amused Penelope Garcia poked her head out from behind a soda machine.

"Hey." Scolded Reid. "Just because you've been promoted to head fry cook and I'm stuck on register doesn't mean you can make fun of us little people."

"Really Spence, she was just joking." The door chimed behind him as a blonde walked into the building. It was thanks to Jennifer Jareau that Code Burger was so popular. She was the face of the restaurant. With all her media expertise, getting the word out about a fast food restaurant was a piece of cake. She walked past the counter, kissed Reid on the cheek on her way by, and continued to the back of the building to her office. Even though JJ was out of site now, her words and kiss triggered a rehearsed response from Reid.

"Sorry Garcia."

Garcia snickered from behind the stoves. "Whipped."

Reid glared in her direction but Garcia never noticed. He swore he could hear JJ laughing from afar too.

"Ahh." Reid squealed as a large hand thumped him on the back.

It was Derek Morgan. Morgan was the toughest, biggest, strongest and, well, altogether macho-est person on the team

"Why-" Reid began.

"Glad to see it's going well with JJ." Morgan cut him off as if he had no regard for what Spencer had to say. It always came across that way, but he had quite liked Reid, to tell the truth.

"Ha ha. It's going very well actually." The un-amused genius pretended to laugh.

Morgan slid up onto the countertop.

"Do you know how unhygienic that is Morgan?" Reid was about to state some more facts, but with a change of mind decided to get back at the other man. "I mean, not only do countless strangers touch that but who knows what else goes on there. Just last night I-"

"Eww, you pervert!" Morgan had cut him off and jumped from the plastic counter to the tile floor. "Since when were you like…this?"

"Ah, just because you wish that it would have been you and Garcia instead of JJ and me doesn't mean you have to snap."

"Oh get over yourself." Morgan tried not to act defeated as he walked away to the drive through station and began work.

"Oh, sorry Morgan." Emily Prentiss said laughing when she accidentally ran into Morgan's shoulder.

"S'ok Prentiss, but why are you in such a rush?"

"Have you seen Gideon anywhere? I've been looking for him."

"No sorry, I'll be sure to touch base if I do though, ok?"

Prentiss nodded her head and both ex-agents smiled at each other before parting.

Gideon wasn't far away though. It had been almost three months since the bureau shut down, since he had solved a case. He was being deprived of the thing he loved most in the world, and if anything in the world could take a toll on Jason Gideon, this was it.


	2. Chapter 2

Well, I noticed I forgot to put a disclaimer on the first one. But I do think it's pretty self explanatory…they're not mine. This chapter is for my friend Annie who inspired a joke in this chapter. Hope you like I, I do.

-

As the team pilled into Hotch's small office, he began to speak. "So I'm sure all of you have noticed Gideon's bad mood lately." There was a quiet murmur of yeses. "And we can all admit that not solving a case in a VERY long time has put a damper on all of our moods." There were more mutual nods. "I was just thinking, and this is just an idea, what if we…made up a case?"

"If someone's getting kidnapped, I vote for Reid!" Morgan interrupted excitedly.

"Hey!" Reid squeaked. "Why is it always me?"

"Ok, settle down guys." Laughed Hotch. "Yes, Reid is a popular hostage but-, oh…"

"What?" Questioned Emily Prentiss. The whole team leaned forward.

"Well we wouldn't want to go around killing people so our only hope for a case is kidnapping. Gideon might catch on so we need someone believable. First of all, none of us know what it's like to be a hostage except Reid, and second, we need a motive. When it comes to Dr. Reid here, that won't be hard to come up with. Old school bullies, people out to get him for academic reasons. The possibilities are, well, endless."

"So what you're saying is we kidnap Spence, send in a ransom video and then let Gideon find him?"

"Basically."

"Oh…" JJ looked hurt for a moment before a huge grin pooped up on her face. "As wong as my Spwence-y doesn't get huwt."

"Well, ah…"Spencer's cheeks turned crimson. "My baby knows-" He kissed JJ on the lips. "-that I," Kiss. "can take care,-" Another kiss. "of-" Kiss. "my-". He never finished the last sentence but proceeded to stick his tongue the full way down JJ's throat, if you know what I mean.

"Eww." Squealed Garcia.

"I think I'm gonna throw up."

-

In a dark basemnt…

"Oh he'll never see it coming. Yesss, he will be scared out of his diamond patterned sweater vest in a flash and won't have his little messenger bag of doom to hide behind. Muahaha! MUAHAHA! Muah-"

A heavy Jewish-accented voice interrupted him. "Larry, keep it down! The whole nationhood can hear you. Sheez. Kid these days…"

"Sorry ma…"

-

Code Burger, a few minutes later….

"Damn…" Garcia pointed out. "That kids got stamina. Oh, and that breath support!"

"Hehe." Morgan laughed sheepishly "But you, Pen, know I can go longer."

"Sure shuga, whatever you say." Garcia turned to Prentiss and placed a hand next to one side of her mouth so Morgan couldn't see what she was whispering. "Thirty minutes, top."

"What, what? What did you just say?" Morgan pleaded with Garcia for a clue on what might be going on. She must have said something, though, because Emily was on the floor with laughter.

"Nothing, darling. I simply informed Ms. Prentiss here of your…preferred-sex-length." Now both girls were on the floor. Morgan stood speechless and blushing.

The action on the floor had, yes, been ignored for a moment but soon regained full attention of the room.

"Do you think they know were in here?" An un-amused and almost forgotten Hotch muttered. He was married after all, and if his wife knew that right now he was watching two people make out on the floor of his office, she would not be happy.

"No. Or they wouldn't be going at it like this!" Prentiss looked like a girl in a candy shop.

"Well when it gets to graphic I will have to stop it. It's company policy."

"Policy, shmolicy." Spat Garcia.

But Hotch never had to stop them. Just as Reid's hands flew to undo his belt, the couple toppled over onto a shelf. This caused many a paper to go flying, and even a few books, one of which hit Spencer strait on the head.

"Ohwwww." Spencer moaned.

"Oooo that had to hurt." Morgan had a hand over his mouth and his other arm around Garcia now.

"Oh my god Spence, are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah JJ I'm-" Spencer had just come to an interesting _revelation_. They had all been watching. "You know what, I think I need some water. I think I'll just, ah, go and, er, get some. I'll see you later." He rushed out of the room. His face looked like a tomato.

"Ok, ok. Parties over." Stated Hotch unemotionally. "This is my office, and I've got some cleaning to do, thanks to our couple. JJ, Garcia, Prentiss, Morgan, see you all later."

As the three girls and left the room, Penelope and Emily huddled around JJ. Garcia looked like her head was about to explode with joy and Emily still had a goofy smile on. Morgan head off in the opposite direction to find Spencer, and maybe get some pointers.

-

It was closing time at Code Burger. Most people were putting on coats now, saying their daily good-byes. First to leave was Gideon; yes he was long gone now. Next JJ and Reid left arm in arm, off to finish what they started earlier probably. Garcia was at the door with Prentiss when Morgan called after her.

"Pen!" He shouted.

"Yes, hot stuff?" She turned around, grinning.

"Would it be ok if I…dropped by, uh, tonight?" He put a hand on his head, this girl, he was never nervous around women.

"Whatever you say babe. I'll be home." She smiled. She wanted to jump up and down with joy but pretended as if his inquiry made no impression. Once she was safely out the building she turned to Emily, made a fake pelvic thrusting motion and said, "We're gonna get our thirty minutes on tonight." Then she walked over to her car, got in, and drove home.

"Morgan? You still here?" The familiar cold voice said.

"Yeah Hotch, what is it?" It was only the two of them left in the building, and frankly Morgan was scared.

"Well I over heard the conversation you had with Garcia and Prentiss..."

"Oh." This was going to be a fun. Not.

"Here, I, uh, want you to have this." He pushed a little purple box towards Morgan.

Derek examined it. "What is this?" Part of him wasn't sure if he wanted to know.

Hotch sighed sympathetically. "Viagra."

-

Revelations…hah, I crack myself up. That was an accident though.


	3. Cameos & Jewish Mothers

This is a very special…though not that great, chapter. There will be a special guest appearance by an original character from one of mabelreid's fics!! Yay!!! Go read her…her?..fics if you haven't, cause they rock. Don't worry I have permission, but you'll have to wait and see which character it is. Haha. So, two things then read on.

Criminal Minds, yeah..not mine.

Larry's mother is my new favorite person…

All of his preparations were ready, he just had to wait for the right moment. So, after checking his calendar, rescheduling his podiatrist appointment, and ­canceling the barbecue planned for that weekend, Larry had set a date. It was final. A week from Saturday Spencer Reid was his.

-

Knock, knock. Pound, pound, POUND.

"Yes?" A now annoyed Penelope Garcia thrust the door open to reveal Derek Morgan. As soon as he entered the apartment he thrust a box into her hand.

"See that? Do you see it?" He pointed to the purple box.

It took a minute for Garcia to recognize it but when she did she said though laughter, "Oh wow, Derek. I'm glad to see you went to all this trouble for my enjoyment but, really, Viagra? You didn't think I was serious did you?"

"Noo, of course not." Sarcasm intended. "But Hotch did!"

-

"Mmm, hey honey. How are you?" Stephanie Gideon answered the door casually.

"Meh…" Gideon slumped into the small doorway, down the hall to the bedroom, and flopped onto the bed. Picking up the remote he turned on the TV and watched sleepily as Jay Leno interviewed a monkey.

Striding sexily but unnoticed by Gideon, into the bedroom and onto the bed was Stephanie, again. "Jason," She said in a sing-songy seductress voice. "Diana is at the sitters, and were in this house alone…with no one else, not anybody. No one at all…" She nuzzled over to Jason and kissed him. Nothing. "Jason?" Silence. "Jason, sweetie!" There was a long pause.

Then out of no where-, "Ahhkkkewwww…." –or however you type out a snore.

"Sleeping. Of course..." You couldn't say Stephanie wasn't disappointed but she felt bad for her lover. Fort the past week it had been grunted responses and early nights. She must have been really worried by then, though, because she tiptoed into the living room and call her brother.

"Reid." The voice on the other line answered.

"Hi…"

"Hey Steph. You don't sound good."

"Yeah…I'm really worried about Gideon." She said, not sounding good. "He has been so down lately. I can't figure out what it is. I don't know, maybe he misses his job?"

"See, what do you need me for anyway? Actually, the team and I had a talk about it earlier today and we think we know how to solve this."

"Really?" At this point, anything would sound good.

"Wel,l we think Gideon needs to solve a case, and there aren't any real ones around now so we are going to make one up."

Ok, maybe not anything. "Don't you think he is smarter than that?" She was _almost_ offended.

"Yes, but there's a secret weapon. The perosn kidnapped is going to be-" Pause for dramatic effect. "-me."

"Oh well, in that case, great plan."

-

"Hotchner."

"Hey, Hotch. It's Emily."

"Oh yeah, great." He had been waiting diligently by his phone for this call. "Whad'ya got for me?"

"Well I called up two of my former agent friends up in negotiation," Emily had been assigned the task of hiring kidnappers. " And they aren't doing any better than, well, we are. So, they are more than up for it whenever you feel it's time. We were thinking a week from Friday, maybe?"

Hotch picked up his planner (YES he has a planner) and turned to Friday. "Oooh, how about a week from Saturday? Friday is the day the food inspector is coming and I just want that to go as smoothly as possible…"

"Oh really, Joe is coming Friday." Off topic much? "Do you know how Annie is? She's getting so big these days."

"Oh she's gonna be a looker when she gets older." Code Burger's manager shook his head and laughed, glad he had a son.

"Aaron Hotchner, be careful what you say."

Hotch blushed. Good thing he was talking to Prentiss on the phone. "So a week from Saturday?"

"A week from Saturday." Click.

-

"You know honey, you're goin at this all wrong." Cried Larry's overly Jewish mother.

"When you kidnap a person you have to keep em in good condition. Do you want him to die? Then you'll neva get the money."

"It's not about the money ma…jeez. For the seventh time, I'm out for revenge. RE-VENGE!"

"Larry, are you raising your voice at me? Oy. The way your fatha raised you. It's a disgrace…Go to your room now! We'll plot this kinappin later. When you have a better attitude?"

"But Ma, I'm forty." Larry protested.

"Room!"

"Ok ma…" Larry shuffled away.

-

Garcia's Apartment….

The exasperated couple of Penelope Garcia and Derek Morgan fell backwards onto the pillows of Garcia's queen bed. Neither spoke for a few seconds, then-

"Wow." Stated Garcia.

"Yes…" Agreed Morgan.

"Woo."

"Hell."

"My god."

"Mmm…"

"Thaaaaaaank you Hotch."

"Amen to that!"

-

(I swear to Quantico the action start net chapter. Who knew you could have so much prologue?)


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